It must have been one of those slow news weeks. No bloody wars or juicy political scandals, no major plane crash with hundreds of passengers perishing, not even a little, tiny homicide or a rape to report on. If you’re a responsible journalist, it is your professional duty to spin an insignificant story into a breaking news or quickly invent one altogether. Such was a case of two lesbians from Indiana, who came back to Toronto hoping to get divorced. It should be as easy as 1-2-3, they thought, since they got here legally married during their happier times in early 2005. Surprise, surprise! Those two little cupcakes apparently failed to notice a small print on their marriage application, which clearly states, their contract is valid on the condition, they stay in Canada for at least twelve months. It turned to be, they actually lived in the States instead, therefore their marriage’s never been validated and naturally, the divorce papers could not be even filed. No marriage, no divorce – as simple as that.
After a mass media did their part and let those women whine on the camera and their boring petty tale dominated the front pages of the national papers, the issue was quickly picked up by the various special interest and political groups, who readily utilized it for their own dubious agendas. Predictably, gays and lesbians rights champions were up in the arms, and also not surprisingly, the opposition political parties seized the opportunity to attack Harper and accuse him of having a some kind of hidden agenda. The PM was visiting the West Coast at that time and had no clue about this stupid incident (nor he should have). It was a bit embarrassing to watch him addressing this vague issue, he knew nothing about, for a swarm of the demanding, hard-nosed journalists. Rest of the country could not care less and neither could I, but just for the sake of it, I’d love to give those two women a piece of advice. “Girls, get over it and count your blessings, you’ve been spared a whole divorce awkwardness. Grab your $700 you saved on divorce legal fees and blew it in some lesbian single bar or wherever you normally go to have a fun. But most importantly, shut the hell up and leave us out of it!”
This “story”, however insignificant, stirred up an old and equally ridiculous controversy about legalization of the same sex marriage. It’s been off and on in the news for years, occasionally hitchhiked and used by the political spinners and a social activists as their powerful propaganda device. To manipulate people’s minds, this simple matter has been most of the time presented as an extremely complex, crucially important issue, while in reality, it’s anything but. How so? Because, it actually boils down to the basic definition, which according to any dictionary ever published in all the languages reads: “Marriage - the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.” I hope everybody understands definition of the word “definition”. For those who don’t – “Definition - the act of defining or making definite, distinct, or clearly outlined”. Clear enough? My point is, if we push through our “right” to change the meanings of the terms that we’ve all previously agreed on, sooner or later everything we want to say becomes just a useless gibberish.
I’ve been always curious, why is the lesbian and gay community (as well as those nuts, who are constantly worried about everybody’s else rights) so fascinated and obsessed with the word marriage. If there is something so truly magical about it, please, let us know and we may consider calling single people “not married yet”, divorced ones “married no more” and common-law partners “not quite married”. I bet, right now you found yourself thinking: “Gee, I’ve never heard anything this stupid before!” Yes, you’re absolutely correct. It is a monumental nonsense and stupid one too.
But luckily, there is a simple and sensible resolution to this nonsense and it originates nowhere else than in Germany, the country, where “ordnung”, discipline and propriety have always been their prime commandments. It is called The Registered Partnership (Eingetragene Lebenspartnerschaft) and it grants to the registered opposite-sex couples all the rights and obligations of marriage, including full tax benefits etc. A clever compromise that should put the whole purposeless controversy and endless childish arguing finally to the rest. I hope.
And on that note, I hereby rest my case as well.
Milo.
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