During the past several years we've been witnessing this unprecedented and the most disturbing trend: increasing number of bicyclists terrorizing our city streets. They are just everywhere, always in your way and they seem to be multiplying at an alarming rate! Riding their little bikes in their ridiculous spandex outfits and silly colorful helmets, as if they owned the whole city. Where did they come from? Nobody really knows. Perhaps from south of the border - Mexico, or Guatemala? Maybe they got here as stowaways, quietly hidden in the cargo space of those big ocean freighters. But that question is not important now, they are here and we have to deal with the consequences. The situation is getting out of control and it's about the time the city officials start addressing this issue and take some serious measures before it will be too late. A small initial infestation can become a major problem in a few years.
A few facts about the bicyclists: Generally prevalent in areas where winters are relatively mild, they can survive in colder climates as well. There are reports of bikers sightings as far north as Alaska! Bikers live in any situation that provides food, non-fat latte and shelter. The urban biker is the most widespread of its species and is widely found in the city business and financial districts. Their favorite foods are cereal products and Starbucks Coffee, although bikers will eat almost any organically grown material no matter how rancid. Bikers rest during the night in the dark warm downtown condos, and they will emerge from their secure harborages in daylight hours. Though it is not confirmed, there is believe, bikers are carriers of serious diseases.More and more people recognize the seriousness of this issue and some leading experts in the field are processing and analyzing available data on bikers species found across the continent and researching effective methods of control. However, the widely accepted notion among the scientific community seems to be, that the problem is to complex to come up with a quick answer and there's more time required to study this phenomenon. Certainly, nobody's got a "silver bullet solution", but in my humble opinion, it should not be so difficult to handle this growing nuisance. And I'll explain how:
Specially trained city workers, equipped with the oversized butterfly nets would cruise the streets and capture culprits on bikes. Of course, bicyclist would have to be approached with an extreme caution and some of the most dangerous specimens might have to be tranquilized. After they're restrained and their bikes are dismantled, bikers will be placed (caged) in the municipal facilities (similar to the animal shelters) to start a rehabilitation program. Some of the most serious cases might require years of heavy medication treatments and intensive behavior therapies (such as the electrical shocks, water boarding - as a "last resort" method), but I believe the most bikers could be released within a few weeks, as soon as it's determined without any doubt, they would no longer pose as a threat to the society.Furthermore, the government should legislate a law that would ban any biking activities within 3000 miles radius from any city limits and even then only the stationary bicycles would be allowed. The sole exception would be Inuit communities, simply because they have already exceptions from law for everything else.
My only concern remains, that some of the government pencil pushers appointed to deal with this agenda might be riding their bikes to the work and we all know what that means! If that turns to be the case, I'm afraid my cause will be doomed before it gets any chance to lift off the ground.
Bummer! I could have been such a noble initiative.... M.
